2020 who dis?

A Year of Re-birth & Recovery

Hello blog-reading babes!

Just a little side-note before you read this post. I had initially written this post at the start of January but had been waiting for the right moment to go ahead and post. I wasn’t sure if I wanted pictures to go alongside it, or what I really wanted to be honest. We’re mid-February now and perhaps this is in fact the exact right time to post this, because I’ve been struggling a little and am in need of a touch of positive affirmation and reminding of how far I’ve come. Without further a due, happy healing my loves.

It may be the little dose of prozac I gulp down every morning or the fact that my mental health recovery has progressed to the point of actually enjoying life, rather than simply enduring it, but for the first time in all my adult life I’m glad to be here for the new year. I like the sound of the new beginnings and the first month of 12 new chapters, and not just because I get a new wall calendar and diary! This is why I’m eternally single isn’t it? Apologies if you may have been thrown by the title, I’ve been spending too much time with my younger cousins, but seriously, 2020 who dis?

Without delving too deeply into the past years, I’ve battled with anxiety, depression, OCD and and an unhealthy appetite for white chocolate Oreos – kidding, but not kidding – I think the premise of this post is really just to say that you can heal, you can recover.

If you’re looking for ‘a sign’ or someone to tell you that it’s possible, I’m here, telling you it is.

I spent weeks upon months upon years trying to find a solution, a remedy, a means of recovery and fortunately a series of events in 2019 set me on the path to this. My situation was quite dire, in the past I’d probably seen over 30 mental health workers; nurses, doctors, councillors, until I found one that changed my life. I found a diamond of a therapist, a medication that actually agreed with me and slowly I became less terrified, less obsessive, less sad. These are probably the two main ingredients for a strong recovery, whether you like it or not.

*I hope I’m not portraying mental health healing as some easy two-step plan that you might stumble across in the middle pages of a Cosmo mag, because it’s not, it’s challenging every single negative thought, it’s being terrified and taking that first step anyway, it’s hardcore but by god is it worth it. Sometimes I feel shocked that I spent so many years missing out, watching the world go by around me from my bed. It seems that healing is a bit like skincare – a lot of trial and error- until eventually you reach goddess status! Sometimes in that process it can be easy to give up, loose hope but, don’t. In the same way you wouldn’t carry on using a face cream that doesn’t quite work how you’d like, healing the mind works in the same way.

I’ve always believed that we’re terrible at treating our mental wellness with the same care and urgency as our physical wellbeing – it’s exactly the same – so step it up my babes.

A few months ago I bought my first dress, after years of feeling completely lost identity-wise. Yesterday I had my first exciting haircut, after waiting two years for my shaved hair to grow back. *Britney Spears circa 2007 type of self-harm is never the answer. I even bought one of those pairs of god-awful Fila Disruptor trainers, and I bloody love them. The old Ev would be too afraid to be seen dead in such a platform. I’m finally coming back to myself. I’ll be starting a floristry course mid-January and am looking forward to travel again. *February update: the course was over-subscribed so I should be starting in April. In 2019 I experienced 3 jobs, it helps that I’ve now found a really great, nurturing work environment- another ingredient to the recipe. You never know when that breakthrough or series of events will start to work in your favour, until then, exhaust all options.

I truly believe the universe works in mysterious ways. I feel as though I’ve been away a while- the best part of 10 years to be precise– and now I’m finally back. Back to me. I’m learning who I was supposed to be when I first became an ‘adult’ at 18; my likes, my dislikes, my identity as a woman and a human: the person that should have been gracing this Earth before the trauma.

She’s back.

IMPORTANT: If any of you babes are experiencing some form of mental health trouble, emotional trauma or are just struggling to cope I would absolutely urge you to seek help, because recovery is possible and this world is to be enjoyed by us all. More importantly and vitally, if you are struggling, be kind to yourself. Self-compassion and kindness really is key and completely overlooked, if only I’d have known this sooner.