If there’s one thing that unites all of us British people, it’s our love affair with our inner cynic. With that said, hi, I’m The Useless Blogger.
In a world of pretence, airs, graces and never-ending perfectionism sprawled across the internet, I’m here to bring a contemptuous end to it all. Or at least, somewhat. I would still like to create a beauty-based blog of quality, but don’t expect a regular posting schedule, exceptionally-lit flatly set-ups or pictures of my dog and I wearing matching outfits in a park full of falling autumnal leaves; exit the page now if that’s what you’re after.
I’ve tried hacking the blogging scene for some years now, and I look at this new page as honestly, my last-ditch attempt before I put two fingers up to it all and go live with a tribe in Namibia. It’s never been a secret that I’m not the most technologically savvy gal on the internet, and at 24 I’m really getting on in internet years! I often joke that I’m an 84 year-old at heart, with my taste in many things, and please understand that this delay in modern developments of course extends to my blog and internet abilities in general.
One thing that remains true, apart from my shortcomings on the internet, is my ever-evolving love of beauty, and writing – surely that’s enough to run a disappointingly mediocre blog? Apparently not. Perhaps it’s been my lack of consistency, lack of belief in myself, lack of decent technological equipment and a very ‘unconventionally beautiful’ face that has tripped me up in the past. One thing I do however believe in, passionately, is that I’m a terrible blogger.
I film stories for my Instagram and remove the elaborate eyeshadow that has taken hours, vigorously and immediately with my favourite Sukin micellar water. While filming said videos I’m literally sitting on a desk in the spare room, where the light is least horrific, wearing pyjama bottoms and bed socks, looking fully respectable on the top half and quater-life-crisis on the bottom half. Best be quick taking photos and filming though, before the students renting the spare room return, and need to use their desk for it’s intended purpose. Most days I head to my job looking like a twelve-year-old boy, going through his too-insecure-to-wear-anything-but-baggy-jeans phase, without a lick of makeup on my cheeks- seems ironic for a ‘beauty blogger’ eh? That said, most of my content never even makes it to the grid through complete fault of my own; “Will people like it?” “It doesn’t fit the vibe of my page.” “The colours don’t match, I’ll have to post another picture first.” Yes, it’s true that this notion of thinking seems somewhat neurotic and psychopathic. I have genuine obsessive tendencies about the grid layout (and in everyday life, but not the ‘I like things clean’ OCD that your friends love to joke about, the actual OCD thing,) so oftentimes I feel as though I’ve been set up to fail. If the above doesn’t convince you that I’m blindly pursuing a path that is not for me, further examples can be provided.
I love nothing more than a little sprinkling of self-deprecation, if not already noted, especially over my own creative work. It’s time to call a spade, a spade, so rather than coming up with some witty blog title, or using my un-pronouncable immigrant-rooted name for the handle, I’m calling it out for what it is. Welcome to The Useless Blogger.
I look forward to disappointing you continuously x